Sometimes I feel like a teen suspended in an adult body. Other times I feel my mind is that of a decrepit old man, hoping to somehow romanticize his reality. Yet I still feel compelled to live. Not to just be alive, but to truly live. In fact, I feel this compulsion more strongly than ever. At times the desire to experience life in it’s fullest hits me in waves of great magnitude, leaving me to consider two questions:
Do I struggle against the surge?
Or do I embrace it, allowing myself to be swept to the unknown?
Growing-up or just growing?
Every morning, in some way, I ask myself these questions. Every time I find some excuse, reason or circumstance that will justify my battle. I find myself questioning my worth, my potential, and my purpose. At this point, I’ve only slightly crept into the habit of living life for myself and done so very carelessly at that. With this change, though, I have attained a stronger sense of self, coupled with a firm understanding of a few values I can commit to. My endless conflict with the rush of “growing up” has left me beaten, broken and simply wondering; what is this worth?
To plainly sum it up, the answer is nothing.
Forced attempts at “growing up” are not worth anything to me. I’d prefer to grow naturally, taking the time to make every necessary mistake on the way. I’m sure there are many folks in the world who would disagree with this lifestyle, but they live in their own reality. For me, in my reality, there is no longer any value to find in attempting to conform to a lifestyle that was not meant for me. My mind utterly rejects boredom. I do not work effectively under direct supervision. I will not simply comply, and I wholeheartedly refuse to subject myself to a life not built for and around my true interests. This morning when I woke, I felt a calm sense of relief. Something in my heart told me that my fight was over, and the wave had won.
I believed it to have been the right choice all along.
Rather than question this feeling, I’ve embraced it in its entirety.
I may have docked temporarily here in Las Vegas, but I think it is time again to set off.
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Categories: How-to Hustle